Cynical

Someone said I am always obedient to the rule. I was shocked and, at the same time, amused by him. I was once a person who doesn’t give a damn about what the regulation says, now I was called “obedient”?

Indeed, sometimes I am surprised by myself when I am doing things exactly what people told me to do, surprised by the grin-and-bear-it attitude I’ve shown towards my work. That’s not because I do without think or judge, but because I do with myself in others’ shoes. There are definitely many unreasonable things about the regulations and laws, and I do have opinions about them. But I wouldn’t just complain about it, because it is just in vain and will even hurt somebody who is just doing their job.

This is how I got in quarrel with a guy. A week ago, this guy came into my office as a temporary assistant of the researcher next door. He was in charge of the conference held last week, but he doesn’t know anything about the whole accounting process in the Institute. Therefore some people came and tried to teach him those stuffs. But what I saw is he being impatient and impolite with others and keeping complaining about the regulations….and eventually the people who tried to help him clear up the whole big mess. I couldn’t stand anymore and told him that people are doing their jobs and there’s no point in picking at them. He got angry and said something uncivil and mean. It really pissed me off so I raised my voice and fought with him in the end.

After the quarrel, I felt bad and regretful as I always did. But it also triggered me to think about the kind of person I am. I was once very cynical, and what the worse is, I was proud of it. I wonder why I ever felt interesting when someone was talking cynically and I even started to imitate that. Maybe I think it’s a good way to start a conversation (assuming people next to you think the same as you). However, whether people are as cynic as me or not, now I realise that what we are talking about may actually hurt someone’s feeling, and it’s not fair to judge anything we don’t really understand.

I may not be as considerate as I hoped. At least, I was feeling great when I started to think for others. I think I grow up a little a bit and I do not miss the old, scornful me.